


All Too Well

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Series: Everything and Nothing [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, M/M, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 02:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13425306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: Sonny was quiet again and Rafael was thinking about hanging up when he spoke, soft and low. “We were good for awhile though. Weren’t we, Raf?”Rafael had the thought that if his chest literally cracked open, sternum splitting down the middle, it couldn’t hurt as bad as it did in that moment. “We were great,” he answered honestly.





	All Too Well

**Author's Note:**

> I'm starting a series of Taylor Swift song fics because she basically writes for Barisi. This is the first (you know, besides the multi chapter I already did) of what I'm sure will be many. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Rafael buried his hands in the pockets of his wool coat and hunched his shoulders as the wind picked up, sending a shiver down his spine. It was only October, but there was already a biting chill in the air that didn’t give him much hope for the coming months.

He should have taken a cab, but his doctor kept insisting that he exercise more. Plus his favorite coffee cart was along the way and he was jonesing. His doctor had also told him to cut back on the caffeine, but he’d take up jogging with Rollins regularly before he reduced his coffee intake.

Reaching the cart in question, he procured his coffee, sharing pleasantries with Ronald, his favorite caffeine supplier, and tipping him generously, before continuing on his way. As he took his first glorious sip, the wind once again swirled, an orange leaf catching on the lid of his cup for barely a second before being whipped along Centre St. But it was long enough. Long enough for the hint of a memory to catch hold and make him feel like he was drowning.

> _The air was cold and his cheeks would end up chapped, but Rafael couldn’t seem to find it in himself to care as he glanced over at Sonny, looking every bit at home behind the wheel of the vintage convertible. It had been a surprise for Sonny, a mint condition rental car and a day trip upstate. For once fortune befell them and it was a gorgeous fall day, sun shining and the air crisp, so Sonny had lowered the top on the car, insisting that it was plenty warm enough._
> 
> _Sonny spared him a charming, dimpled grin and a wink that had Rafael rolling his eyes behind his aviators even though it sent a thrill straight through him. He leaned back in his seat, content to watch the leaves fly by in their scarlet and golden glory, and maybe, to just occasionally admire the way Sonny’s long fingers gripped the steering wheel, maneuvering the car up hills and around winding curves._
> 
> _Rafael had just closed his eyes, enjoying the sun on his face and the wind in his hair when the car took a sharp right. “What the—” His eyes snapped open as Sonny was bringing the car to a stop, just off the road but tucked between a few trees. “What are you doing?”_
> 
> _The question wasn’t even completely out before Sonny was in his lap, knees on either side of his hips on the bucket seat. Quite the feat given the length of his limbs, but he always figured out a way when he was determined._
> 
> _“Can’t pay attention to the road with you sitting over here looking so sexy.” Sonny kissed at his jaw and then drank from his lips before leaning back and taking in the sight to which he referred—Rafael with his stylish sunglasses and windblown hair, a day’s worth of stubble on his cheeks. Not the buttoned up, three piece suit ADA that the rest of the world got. No, this Rafael was all his._
> 
> _“You’re ridiculous,” Rafael admonished, but there was nothing but love threaded through his voice, the hint of a smile on his lips._
> 
> _Sonny grinned and Rafael couldn’t help but think that it put the sunshine to shame. “I may be ridiculous, but you love me.”_
> 
> _“That I do,” he didn’t bother to deny it. He’d stopped doing that months ago, when he could no longer fight off the grip that Sonny Carisi held on his heart. Life had gotten a lot better after that._
> 
> _“Good thing, since I love you, too.” Sonny emphasized his point with a kiss, one that was all too short to Rafael’s liking._
> 
> _“Come back here,” he ordered, grabbing the ends of Sonny’s scarf, a soft, navy one with stripes that he’d borrowed from Rafael just that morning, and pulling him down to him until their lips were pressed together once more._

Rafael’s mood had turned surly with the memory and it only got worse as he walked into the squad room. His hope that Sonny would be off chasing down a lead was dashed when he spotted the detective seated at his desk. He paused in the doorway for only a moment, squaring his shoulders and steeling his resolve, before stepping fully into the space.

“What’ve we got?” he asked, proud of the way his voice remained steady even if his heart hammered in his chest.

“Well,” Sonny began and Rafael made it a point of not looking at him.

“Detective Rollins?” Rafael knew it was petty, but at the moment he didn’t give a damn. He didn’t miss the apologetic look that Amanda sent Sonny before she began speaking, but he refused to turn to see the look he gave her in return.

An hour later, after a rundown of yet another murkey he said/she said and a sparring match with Olivia over whether or not they had enough to move forward with an arrest, he could practically taste his freedom. He was inches from the doorway when that all too familiar Staten Island accent stopped him in his tracks.

“Raf—”

He could all but hear the flinch as Sonny realized that he may no longer be able to use such a familiar term.

“Barba. Counselor.” Sonny finally landed on his title and now Rafael did turn to face him in time to see the grimace on the detective’s face, borne of the already awkward exchange.

Maybe if it was months from now, when Rafael’s heart had healed and the bitter taste was finally washed from his mouth, he would have been able to make light of the situation— _You’ve seen me naked. You can call me Rafael—_ but not yet. There wasn’t any levity to be had.

“What is it, Detective?” He followed Sonny’s lead, putting too much emphasis on the final word.

Sonny shifted on his feet and looked down at the box in his hands that Rafael only now noticed. “I...um...I wanted to give you this. It’s just a few things of yours that—” Sonny’s cheeks and ears flushed pink in a way that Rafael had once enjoyed, trying constantly to make his pale skin flood with color just because he found it so endearing. Only now it was from the embarrassment of returning the belongings of an ex-lover in their place of work and realizing too late that it might not be the best idea.

>   _Sonny blushed easy and often, but this was perhaps the greatest display of it that he’d seen thus far—the skin of his cheeks, ears, and neck mottled a deep shade of pink._
> 
> _“Ma, I cannot believe you’re doing this to me,” he grumbled from behind his hands._
> 
> _“What?” Sonny’s mother asked innocently. “You were so cute. Wasn’t he so cute, Rafael?”_
> 
> _Rafael, sandwiched between Sonny’s mother and the man himself on the Carisi family couch, glanced at the photo album in his lap, photos of a young, gap-toothed and bespeckled Sonny displayed prominently on its pages, and he answered honestly. “He was very cute.”_
> 
> _Sonny groaned, eyeing Rafael from between his fingers. “This isn’t fair.”_
> 
> _“It’s not that bad. We all have pictures like these, not that you’ll ever see mine, I assure you,” he promised as he turned the page of the album. “Apparently this was your nudity phase.”_
> 
> _“Ma! I thought you got rid of those?” Sonny all but screeched, yanking the album from Rafael’s grip and slamming it shut._
> 
> _“Oh, relax.” His mother waved it off, turning to Rafael with a gleam in her eye. “I would send him out to play and not ten minutes later I’d look out the window and he’d be as naked as the day he was born. I don’t know what it was. I just could not keep clothes on the boy.”_
> 
> _Rafael bit his lip, enjoying Sonny’s distress, but also unable to stop thinking about the way the man often lounged around Rafael’s apartment in next to nothing, and sometimes nothing at all. Apparently there were some phases he hadn’t grown out of._
> 
> _“I’m burning this album,” Sonny grumbled, carrying the offending thing from the room before it could do any further damage._
> 
> _That night, after Rafael had awoken to an empty bed, he found Sonny in the kitchen. There was a piece of chocolate cake on the table in front of him, but his fork was on the plate and his gaze was focused out the window._
> 
> _“Thinking of going streaking?” Rafael asked, leaning casually against the counter._
> 
> _“Ha.” Sonny rolled his eyes at him before picking up the fork. “I just wanted to get to this cake before my sisters show up tomorrow.” Rafael raised an eyebrow and Sonny looked sheepish. “Old habits die hard, I guess.”_
> 
> _He took a bite, enjoying his mother’s recipe just as much now as he had as a kid. “Thank you,” he said once he’d swallowed. “For being here, spending the weekend with my family. I know it’s not exactly your thing.”_
> 
> _“They’re important to you, so they’re important to me.” It was said casually, even accompanied by a shrug, but Rafael found that he meant it._
> 
> _“Well, either way…” Sonny trailed off, eating another forkful of cake. “You should really try this. It’s phenomenal. Ma’s cake always sold out first at the school bake sales.”_
> 
> _Before Rafael could push off of the counter, Sonny was up, coming at him, fork already loaded with the dessert. “Here.”_
> 
> _Rafael had to admit it was delicious and was about to say so when Sonny chuckled. “What?”_
> 
> _“You have icing on your face.”_
> 
> _Rafael wiped at his lips, but missed the frosting that had smeared at the corner of his mouth._
> 
> _“I got it.” The hint of a mischievous grin appeared as he put down the plate, placing his hands on the counter on either side of Rafael’s hips. He leaned in slowly, finally pressing his lips to the corner of Rafael’s mouth, his tongue sneaking out to lick away the frosting._
> 
> _His mouth stayed well after Rafael was sure the frosting was gone and he leaned back. “I’d rather not have a hard-on in your parents’ kitchen.”_
> 
> _“Too late.” Sonny’s grin widened as he glanced down between them._
> 
> _“Just for that I’m going to have your mom give me copies of some of those pictures. I think the squad will especially get a kick out of the one of you in your headgear.”_
> 
> _“You wouldn’t.” The color, what little there was of it, drained from Sonny’s face._
> 
> _Rafael quirked an eyebrow. “Wouldn’t I?”_

Shaking his head to clear the assault of the memory, Rafael was dismayed to find the real version still standing in front of him. He snatched the box from Sonny’s hands and left the squadroom without another word.

* * *

Finally in the sanctity of his apartment Rafael heaved a great sigh of relief, happy to leave the world outside while he wallowed in his own pitiful thoughts and enjoyed a glass or two of very expensive scotch.

He’d only just settled on his couch, drink in hand, when his phone buzzed on the coffee table. He assumed it was work, but squeezed the glass tighter when he saw Sonny’s name across the screen. He’d already deleted the contact picture he’d had for him, a candid one of him smiling happily, blue eyes shining, so the screen was blank aside from his name. Thank God for small favors.

He didn’t know what made him do it—he couldn’t blame the alcohol since a drop hadn’t passed through his lips—but he swiped at the screen. “Hello?”  

“Oh, hey,” Sonny sounded surprised even though he was the one that called.

“Were you hoping to get my voicemail?” Rafael asked dryly. “I can hang up and let you call back.”

“No, no. I just, uh, didn’t think you’d—”

Rafael could understand why Sonny hadn’t expected him to answer his call. He hadn’t answered any of the others. It had gotten to where if he had information on a case he’d text it or have Rollins call because he knew that anytime his name appeared on Rafael’s phone it was immediately declined.

He should have done the same this time, but maybe the nostalgia he’d been feeling all day for a version of themselves that didn’t exist anymore had gotten to him. Maybe he was just a glutton for punishment and at least if he was hurting he was feeling _something_. He chose not to continue to dwell on the question, not liking where it was taking him.

“What do you want?” There was nothing harsh in it, just simple resignation.

“I don’t know,” Sonny answered honestly, sounding like he regretted calling at all. “At the precinct today, you were— Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” It was automatic. He’d been asked the same question by Olivia, his mother, Rita, and any number of acquaintances and colleagues who barely knew him, but listened to the rumor mill and were eager to contribute.

“But are you _okay_?” Sonny asked and it was the genuine concern in his voice that did Rafael in.

“You don’t get to know the answer to that question. Not anymore,” he snapped. “You did this. _You_ broke _my_ heart. You’ve lost the right to call me up and ask me how I’m doing.” The wound, which had barely begun to heal as it was, was ripped open anew. 

Sonny was quiet for a moment. “You’re right. I know you’re right, but just because—”

“Because I asked you to marry me and you said no?” Rafael finished for him, a bitter taste filling his mouth at the memory. He could still feel the way his heart had sank nearly to his feet at Sonny's expression when he'd asked. There was that old saying about not asking questions he didn't already know the answer to, and Rafael had been so sure of Sonny's answer that he'd never even considered the possibility that it wouldn't go the way he planned. He'd been crushed.

“I didn’t say no, I said not yet and that wasn’t good enough for you,” Sonny said not for the first time. “But I still care about you. Still worry about you.”

Rafael hated that it was true. “Well, don’t.” It was a childish response, but it was all he had at the moment.

Sonny was quiet again and Rafael was thinking about hanging up when he spoke, soft and low. “We were good for awhile though. Weren’t we, Raf?”

Rafael had the thought that if his chest literally cracked open, sternum splitting down the middle, it couldn’t hurt as bad as it did in that moment. “We were great,” he answered honestly.

Sonny seemed encouraged by this and Rafael could practically hear the smile in his voice when he spoke again. “Hey, remember that time upstate? The car?”

“Yes, Sonny,” Rafael’s voice held none of the joy that Sonny’s did. “I remember.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [In the Name of Being Honest](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13439898) by [Robin Hood (kjack89)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kjack89/pseuds/Robin%20Hood)




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